Ten Ways to Annoy an Espada
by JeanThine
Summary: Yamamoto's drunk! And he forces the captains of the Gotei Thirteen to write lists of how they annoy their fukutaichos! Oneshot a little implied but nothing too lemony! New people to annoy! Ten ways to annoy the Espada!
1. The Beginning

Ten Ways To Annoy a Fukutaciho

Disclaimer: Je ne parle pas anglais and I don't own Bleach

* * *

In accordance with a recent meeting at which Yamamoto-soutaicho had been slightly drunk, he declared that all the captains had to write up lists of the ten ways they annoy their Fukutaichos, except himself, because he had more important things to do; Kurotsuchi because there was already perfect documentation on how he tortured his subordinates; and Ukitake because he did not have a Fukutaicho to annoy. Ukitake-taicho proceeded to burst into tears and was taken out of the room. It's a crack of an idea, but bear with me.

* * *

Soi Fong's List

10. Tell Omaeda how ugly he is.

09. Tell Omaeda how fat he is.

08. Tell Omaeda how easy he is to kill.

07. Tell Omaeda about a particularly talented rabbit that might take his job.

06. Do all four of the above on his birthday, in front of his family.

05. Leave Suzembachi in its released state at the office.

04. Use Suzembachi to gesture at various things, close to his face.

03. On one occasion, actually stab him.

02. Refuse to remove the butterfly on the basis "It covers up your ugliness"

01. Before he hands in his reports, yell "Inappropriate use of grammar!" and destroy his work.

* * *

Ichimaru Gin's list Private

10. Convince him that Emo guys get chicks

09. When said statement is found false, tell him he isn't depressed enough

08. When he's in fourth division, offer to pull the plug for him

07. Tell him most Emos are bi-sexual

06. Subsequently seduce him

05. Subsequently turn up to the office naked

04. On the day his mother was visiting.

03. Turn him against the woman you're really sleeping with

02. Implicate him in your plot against Soul Society

01. When he's at his most confused, leave him for the guy who did it to you.

* * *

Unohana Retsu's list

10. Serve fishcake in the fourth division

09. Transcribe her sleep talking

08. Post said transcription on internet

07. Start fights with the eleventh division

06. Take leave immediately after said fights, leaving her with all the patients

05. Get her sister to post an article about embarrasing childhood moments on the internet

04. Encourage more sleep talking by any means necessary

03. Upload a pod cast of her sleep talking onto the growing blog

02. Edit said pod cast to make a vastly popular song

01. Be there to comfort her after she finds out, thus deflecting suspicion

* * *

Aizen Sosuke's list Private

10. Promote a girl who admires you beyond comprehension

09. Use Kyouka Suigetsu to make her incapable of living without you

08. Fake death to provoke great emotional trauma

07. Convince her that your real vice captain killed you

06. Let her fight him for a while

05. Convince her that her best friend killed the central 46

04. Let her fight him for a while

03. Stab her

02. Stab her best friend

01. Leave her for dead

* * *

Kuchiki Byakuya

Note: _Soutaicho, I enjoyed researching this task so much I felt it only fitting I write a list of twenty ways to annoy/frighten/endanger my lieutenant_

20. Turn up to work unshaven and half-asleep

19. Take a picture of his expression

18. Place picture in sixth division yearbook

17. Donate large amounts of cherry blossom trees to Gotei 13

16. Plant several outside his apartment

15. Use Senbonsakura to convince him that cherry blossoms are stalking him

14. List "Fear of cherry blossoms" in the sixth division yearbook

13. Use Senbonsakura to make a pink glittery afro on his head

12. Take a picture

11. Save the picture for next yearbook

10. Convince him that his hair is turning white _Note: Sorry for the trouble his wailing caused_

09. Suggest he would look good in a kenseikan

08. Enforce said suggestion

07. Use the word "Scatter" more in conversation

06. During sparring matches, aim low

05. Especially with Senbonsakura

04. Cover his bed with cherry blossoms while he is sleeping

03. Photo - Yearbook

02. Whisper "Kageyoshi" whilst nearby

01. Repeat from the top

* * *

Komamura Sajin

10. Tell him he was only promoted because you were blackmailed by his mother

09. Make him remove his sunglasses in your presence

08. Turn up to all his important social occasions

07. Ban alcohol in your division

06. The day before Octoberfest

05. Make mask part of division uniform

04. Make him remove his mask in your prescence

03. Berate him for taking off his mask if he does

02. Tell him he might be demoted

01. Tell his mother

* * *

Kyoraku Shunsui

_Note: Due to Kyoraku-taicho being permanently inebriated his lieutenant completed this work for him_

10. Only ever call her by an inappropriate name

09. Never do any paper work

08. Drink constantly

07. Sleep when not drinking

06. Sleep until late in the day

05. Wear an obnoxious straw hat

04. Wear an obnoxious flowery kimono

03. Do your hair in a obnoxious style

02. Refuse to be clean shaven for work

01. Continue to look appealing throughout the whole process

* * *

Tousen Kaname Private

10. Pretend to sleep in the office

09. When he comes to wake you start screaming "My eyes! I can't see!"

08. When he delivers his report, act as if you can't see him

07. Randomly bump into him, blaming bad eyesight

06. Walk in on him with a woman, yet pretend not to see what's going on

05. Be secretly video taping the proceedings

04. Post the video on YouTube

03. Poke out both his eyes, make it a level playing field

02. Betray the Gotei 13, leaving him as your successor

01. In the weeks before, generate a sizable backlog of work for him to do

* * *

Hitsugaya Toshiro

_Note: Though many of these methods are effective Matsumoto fukutaihco's bubbly personality seems to be almost indestructible. This is a source of much frustration to anyone trying to annoy her / exert authority as a captain._

10. Tell her Yamamoto-soutaicho banned sake in the Sereitei.

09. Attempt to enforce said ban.

08. Tell her the truth, hence ruining her bootlegging business overnight

07. Tell her Kurotsuchi finally beat Nemu to death, and she's the replacement

06. Make her wear her uniform in a less... revealing manner

05. Rub it in that a kid achieved Ban Kai and got promoted above her.

04. Have her breasts classified as biological weapons

03. Attempt to talk her into breast reduction surgery

02. Try to set her up on a blind date

01. With Omaeda

* * *

Kenpachi Zaraki

10. Tell her the fourth division is stronger than she is

09. Let somebody else ride up on my back

08. Stop listening to her directions

07. Kill all the hollows before she gets any

06. Tell her she's too short to make captain

05. Deny her anything

04. Especially candy

03. Side with Ikkaku when she bites him

02. Tell her you're thinking of dating

01. Let her realise for herself why you're not allowed to have too many sweets before bed-time.

* * *

A/N: Yay! It's complete! If you don't like some of the items on the list, review it and suggest a replacement, though remember to tell me who and which number yo want replaced. If you don't understand something, review and I'll gladly explain/change the piece to be more legible. I was also thinking of doing a sequel to this where the fukutaichos have their revenge, review if you want it. Thanks for reading, I really liked writing this one!

-JeanThine


	2. The Fukutaicho's Revenge!

Ten ways to annoy your fukutaicho pt. 2 – The revenge

It was during the meeting afterwards that the fukutaichos found out. They were all together in their waiting room talking about how their captains had been particularly annoying during the last week, when Nanao decided to tell them about the lists. Their were loud gasps from all of the lieutenants, except Renji who was in the corner, curled up and rocking back and forwards (He had just remembered item #13). It was Kusajishi who came up the idea of their own lists. Everyone agreed it was a good idea, except Renji and Isane (Who had just realised who was behind item #03) who were both catatonic by now. Renji was eventually convinced of the idea but Isane refused to participate. As well as that Sasakibe pointed out Yamamoto hadn't made a list so he had no reason for revenge. But the others thought it was a great idea, especially Matsumoto. She suddenly had a shadow over her face and was laughing quietly and maliciously for the whole meeting. So here are the lists!

* * *

Omaeda Marechiyo

10. Eat crisps in front of her

09. Eat crisps behind her

08. Eat crisps day or night, it will annoy her

07. Bring a small black cat into the division

06. Leave said cat at places so that she sees it

05. Defy her orders by getting beaten up by Ichigo

04. Bring up the Shihoun clan in hearing distance of her

03. Tell her her zanpaktou is awfully small for a captain level

02. Mutter "Shihoun Yourichi" while nearby her

01. Take a photo of when she blushes

* * *

Kira Izuru

10. Get a girlfriend

09. Who's prettier than him

08. Tell Matsumoto-san to "stay away from my man, bitch" _saw him do it once to Hinamori-san_

07. Ask how he can see if he never opens his eyes

06. And how he eats with his mouth seemingly frozen in smile

05. Try and reject his advances _I think he liked that actually, thrill of the chase he said_

04. Take his mirrors out for cleaning _he really freaked out then_

03. Ask why he goes to the fifth division every tuesday night

02. Tell him "To see taicho" isn't a good enough answer

01. Ask to be on top

* * *

Hinamori Momo

10. Obsess over him more than his mother

09. Accidentally don't call him taicho

08. Intentionally get hurt on duty so he has to take care of me

07. Get into a cat-fight with Ichimaru-taihco _I'm Aizen-sama's lieutenant now, he's mine_

06. Don't Bring him breakfast in bed on Sunday _I'm so evil!!_

05. Pretend to have 'nightmares' like Isane-san, so he'll let me stay with him

04. Get terratorial with anyone who comes near him

03. Including his family and co-workers

02. Redecorate his quarters

01. On his birthday, only get him his second favourite chocolate _You don't think he's mad do you?_

* * *

Abarai Renji

10. Burn the warehouse containing the sixth division yearbooks

09. Turn up late, as a rule _"One must obey the rules"_

08. Get more tatoos

07. Ignore formalities with him

06. Show him manners, Rukongai style

05. Invite Ichigo round to check out the division

04. Log on to ffdotnet and show him all the RenRuki stories

03. Log on to ffdotnet and show him all the yaoi crap about him

02. Try and save Rukia

01. Devlop Ban Kai _I don't think I've ever seen him that pissed_

* * *

Iba Tsetsumon

10. Drink

09. Fight

08. Make a lot of noise doing so

07. Honour any of the great eleventh division traditions

06. On a religious day

05. Or his birthday

04. Buy a division mascot

03. A fox

02. Question his ideological values _That was the most boring lecture, ever_

01. Ask why he needs to wear a beer keg for a hat _I was drunk_

* * *

Ise Nanao

10. Hit him

09. File sexual harassment charges

08. Question his sexuality (Pink kimono, over compensation)

07. Kick him

06. Drop large quantities of paperwork on him

05. While he is sleeping and can't defend himself

04. Kick him in his manhood

03. Prevent him drinking

02. Should that fail, make sure he wakes up bright and early

01. With enough sunlight and noise to show his hungover ass who's in charge

* * *

Hisagi Shuuhei

10. Have a portrait of him made

09. Try to show it to him

08. Hang it on his wall for all (except him) to see

07. Vandilise it

06. When he orders books, pretend to forget he needs them in brail

05. Subsequently ensure the manufacturer does not print the books in brail

04. Turn up to the office naked, to see if he can tell the difference _p.s. He can!_

03. Ask to set him up on a 'blind date' _hehe so worth it_

02. Set him up with an ugly chick see if he can tell the difference _p.s. He can!!_

01. Leave him to her hideous clutches, because he can't read which sign's the exit

* * *

Matsumoto Rangiku

_Note: This is soooo fun, but now captain's angry so I'm going into hiding Love Rangiku 33_

10. Give him candy _How does Ukitake-taicho get away with it?_

09. Take him shopping

08. Charge the division

07. And by extension him

06. Call him Toshiro, Shiro-chan, Snowy, any other childish nickname

05. Come to think of it, anything other than Hitsugaya-taicho is "inappropriate"

04. Make sure he gets a facefull of the twins at least once a day

03. Mother him half the time

02. The other half seduce him

01. Turn up to work naked _That'll learn his frigid ass_

* * *

Kusajishi Yachiru

_This list was originally illustrated, the trauma suffered by the transcriber cannot be expressed in words_

10. Bite baldy

09. Ruin kenny's dramatic entrances

08. Demand candy

07. lots of candy

06. Turn all the eleventh's reports into works of art

05. Mess up pretty-boy's hair

04. Then put his crying on tape

03. And tell the fourth division it's kenny crying

02. Demand more candy (cause last time wasn't enough)

01. Annoy all the other captains so they get mad at kenny

* * *

Kurotsuchi Nemu

10. Free all the test subjects

09. Put too much sugar in his morning tea _note: Mayuri-sama is scary when he is hyper_

08. Tell him that Urahara-san is still better than him, and then run when he breaks out Ban Kai _Thanks Ramiel506_

07. During a fight, make him look bad

06. Give the Quincy the antidote to Mayuri-sama's blood

05. Put cocaine in his morning tea _note: I swear I didn't know what would happen! It was all Matsumoto-san's idea!_

04. Assist him in his drug-fueled rampage, knowing he will regret it tomorrow

03. Go out with a certain Quincy

02. Bring him home _note: That wasn't smart, Mayuri-sama tried to disect him_

01. Tell people about his soft side

* * *

A/N: First update in forever. This is all I could think of for this story, I was thinking of adding a ryoka chapter but I got no idea how to do that

-JeanThine

p.s. I made some changes to this one according to people's reviews! The lesson is to always review because I'm willing to change


	3. Ten Ways to Annoy an Espada

Ichimaru Gin was bored. Actually bored, in itself, can not possibly contain the necessary magnitude of how fricking bored he was. The amazing thing was the power he found in this boredom. He had once painted Las Noches pink in the space of two hours while Aizen and Tousen were out at the cinemas, while under the influence of this boredom. In this case the boredom manifested itself in the form of memory. That time he spiked ol' Yama's drink and the resulting idea about the lists of how to annoy certain people had been great fun. And it was time for the fun to be resurrected.

**Ten Ways to Annoy an Espada**

Note: This time the lists are named by their targets and not the writer.

Ulquiorra Shiffer

10. Compare him to those British Guards

09. Do the cheap touristy thing

08. Ask why his hakama somehow have pockets

07. Investigate _p.s. Hakama NEVER have pockets_

06. Ask why he painted his face to look like a clown

05. Make Ulquiorra masks, "So everyone can look this depressed!"

04. Give said masks to Grimmjaw

03. Beat his sorry ass for comparing my smiling to his depressed look

02. Enter him in a "Saddest clown in the universe" contest

01. Kick him in a very private area to see if his expression will change

* * *

Tousen Kaname was going through his mid-afternoon ritual of checking through Gin's quarters. It was an idea begun after the pink-incident "Which nobody shall ever know happened" He assured himself. He had to get the edge on Gin and that meant getting in here daily and finding out what was about to happen. This time however, there was nothing of interest. Apart from a piece of paper on the work table. He was liking it. Liking it a lot. He did remember where this came from, and how much fun he'd had. He was going to continue this thing.

p.s. Don't ask how the blind man read the damn paper. Perhaps Gin writes in brail.

Grimmjaw Jaguarjacks

10. Ask if sticking his finger in a powerpoint was really worth it _Have you seen his hair?_

09. Offer him help with his eating disorder _Shouldn't there be a stomach or something there?_

08. Set him up on a playdate with Wonderwiess

07. Give him cat nip

06. Distribute cans of mace labeled "Grimmjaw-B-gone" _See Valentine's in Seireitei_

05. Chop off his arm

04. Replace him with Luppi

03. Ask if he's considered getting his teeth bleached, all his teeth

02. Throw cold water on him_ cats hate getting wet_

01. Chop off the other one

* * *

It was Lilinette, the fraccion of the espada Stark who found the loose piece of paper rustling through the halls of Las Noches. She quickly figured out what the idea was behind the lists and by extension why Grimmjaw had been going nuts recently. She decided that it was her duty to Aizen-sama (The Great Arrancar Excuse For Anything or TGAEFA) to continue with these lists. And she had a feeling she knew exactly who to annoy.

Ten Ways To Wake Up Stark

10. Shove your hand down his throat

09. Try and rip off his mask

08. Dunk cold water on him

07. Pour scalding herbal tea on him _Aizen-sama said it calms people down_

06. Give him coffee intravenally

05. Cut off his air circulation

04. Play his least favorite music, extremely loud

03. Give him a shave _It's not my fault I'm clumsy with a razor_

02. Stick your hand through his hollow hole

01. Grab his testicles

* * *

During some chores later that week, she dropped the paper near the sixth Espada palace. Luckily Il Forte found the paper before Grimmjaw did, and after what seemed a lifetime of his hamster like brain working he realised that according to TGAEFA he should continue the list. However lacking the ability to think well enough to insult anyone, even Renji, he just got one of his brother's pen-pals to write the list, one KM.

Szayel Aporo Grantz

10. Release all his test subjects

09. Question the sexuality of a man with pink hair

08. Emphasize the ability to reproduce is inherently female

07. Therefore establish within the scientific community that he must be a hermaphrodite

06. Publish results supporting this thesis in his favourite scientific journal

05. Call him "Four eyes" _Il Forte's contribution_

04. Have Kojiki Ashigo Jizou faceplant on him

03. Switch his anti-depressants with acid

02. Publish the results of this experiment in his favourite scientific journal

01. Put a patent on asexual reproduction so he has to pay you every time he uses that ability

* * *

Very few people know this, but there is more than one great prankster within the walls of Las Noches. As much as Gin is feared for his great japes, there is one practical joker within the Espada who dwarfs even his abilities. In order to allow him to move with better ease, to completely avoid suspicion, he adopted a mask of utmost emotionless, so he would never be suspected. It so happened that while laying a trap for Grimmjaw in his own palace, Ulquiorra came across what was now a few sheets of paper detailing lists of how to annoy the Espada. And he then did something no man has ever seen and lived to tell the tale. He smiled

Halibel

10. Leave a note for Halibel, from Stark, detailing plans for the evening

09. Leave a note for Grimmjaw, from Halibel, detailing the same plans for the evening

08. Tell Yami there are lots of defenseless women at the same location

07. Leave a note for Szayel, from Aizen-sama, requesting he demolish the cinema at 7:15 tonight

06. Tell Noitorra that Grimmjaw was spreading rumours about him and Neliel

05. Tell him where to find Grimmjaw at 7:15 tonight

04. Hire male escorts for all Halibel's fraccion and send them to the cinema

03. Tell Aizen-sama that some of the espada are planning a coup at 7:15 tonight

02. Sit back, watch the show, fire a couple of ceros into the mess

01. Having absolutely ruined Halibel's night, suggest she kick Gin in a very private place _revenge_

* * *

Being the stick up the ass he appears to be, and to appropriately deflect any blame that could be placed on him, Ulquiorra handed in the lists to Aizen-sama. Let it not be said that God doesn't have a sense of humour.

Araniero Aluriero

10. Tap on the glass

09. Tell him Shiba Kaien was ten times the man he'll ever be

08. Ask him which head is in charge

07. Buy him a 'girlfriend', essentially two female goldfish

06. In order to give them some more 'intimacy', place the girls inside his head capsule

05. Refuse to remove the dead goldfish

04. Encourage the rumour Araniero left the dead girlfriends in because he's a necrophiliac

03. Make him try and drink tea, through the glass

02. When he fails, pour the whole pot of scalding tea into his tank

01. During his suffering tell him you will release him from all pain, while muttering "except for all pain"

* * *

It is commonly known that Noitorra hated Neliel Tu Oderschvank, the third espada of the day. His betrayal is now known to most people. But what few people know is what actually triggered the betrayal, the fly the broke the horse's back as it were. Or the praying mantis that broke the old goats mask perhaps? Well, it all began when Neliel found some sheets of paper with lists on them.

Noitorra Jiruga

10. Get cutesy with him

09. Tell him the size of his blade is a form of overcompensation

08. Insult the spoon shapédness of his outfit

07. During fights, stab your sword through his hole _It pisses him off soooooooo much_

06. Tell him his obscene hieght is a form of overcompensation

05. Refuse to draw your sword on him

04. Point out that at number five, he is clearly not the most powerful espada

03. Point out that he's been spending a lot of time with Szayel

02. Ensure someone walks in on the two of them, when Szayel is on top

01. Call him a wild animal

* * *


End file.
